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Post by beren44 on Jun 27, 2017 11:48:56 GMT
I really hope I don't get my lanyard revoked, but this man's first comedy album was really, really funny. He got more famous later on, with some of his off-color songs, but "Hanging With Rodney" is one of the funnier stand-up comedy albums to come out since Richard Pryor's hey-day.
WARNING: Truly not suitable for the kiddos.
And I was looking for another skit from that same album -found this instead- oh my he is so inappropriate!
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Post by beren44 on Jun 28, 2017 0:14:03 GMT
I am hoping we are a tight enough community here to slip in a few off-color comments. Perhaps this should have been placed in the 'punny stuff and bad jokes' section, but oh well.. I just stumbled across this and it made me laugh, as well as remember a long-forgotten joke. First, the inspiration:  Now, the joke: A farmer had three daughters, all near in age and entering the dating stage of life. One afternoon, a knock came on the door. Sure enough, there was a young man there, who said, "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to see Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer shook his head, and hollered up the stairs at Flo that her date had arrived. A few minutes later, another knock on the door: "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to see Betty. We're going steady. Is she ready?" Again, the farmer shook his head and yet called Betty down to go out on the date. Knock knock once more: the young man said, "Hi, my name is Chuck.." The farmer shot him. |
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Post by Hari Seldon on Jun 29, 2017 1:16:54 GMT
I am hoping we are a tight enough community here to slip in a few off-color comments. Perhaps this should have been placed in the 'punny stuff and bad jokes' section, but oh well.. I just stumbled across this and it made me laugh, as well as remember a long-forgotten joke. First, the inspiration: Now, the joke: A farmer had three daughters, all near in age and entering the dating stage of life. One afternoon, a knock came on the door. Sure enough, there was a young man there, who said, "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to see Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer shook his head, and hollered up the stairs at Flo that her date had arrived. A few minutes later, another knock on the door: "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to see Betty. We're going steady. Is she ready?" Again, the farmer shook his head and yet called Betty down to go out on the date. Knock knock once more: the young man said, "Hi, my name is Chuck.." The farmer shot him. Then the farmer leaned in and said, "Care to finish your rhyme now?" The young man said, "The State Fair is next week and I bet a buck on your duck so I came to wish you luck. Now I hope the largest bull at the fair falls in love with you, you old _____!" |
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Post by beren44 on Jul 5, 2017 21:32:41 GMT
Alright, here we go again. And stop being so pretentious, I know you laugh at this stuff just as much as I do! Here's a quiz that just crossed my path, on FaceBook. Me ? >> 'Fuzzy Waffle Pounder'. Dare ya to share!  |
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Post by bigvanray on Jul 5, 2017 22:49:01 GMT
Cellphones have made the old traveling salesman needing to use a phone jokes obsolete. But here's a classic from the Statler Brothers.
A traveling salesman's car broke down out in the country one night, so he walked to the nearest farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could put him up for the night. The farmer said, "Yeah, but you'll have to sleep with my son."
The salesman thought a minute and said, "You don't happen to have a good looking daughter, do you?"
The farmer said, "No, all I've got is my son."
"Excuse me, farmer, I think I'm in the wrong joke."
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Post by Hari Seldon on Jul 6, 2017 0:43:51 GMT
Cellphones have made the old traveling salesman needing to use a phone jokes obsolete. But here's a classic from the Statler Brothers. Nah, there's plenty of farm country where it's still tough to get a signal. But back to the topic of off-color humor... A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and the Genie comes out. The Genie says, "You have summoned me, so I must grant you one wish." The man says, "I thought it was three." The Genie says, "It was. You used your second wish to undo and forget your first wish and now you have one left." The man says, "Then I guess I wish to make myself irresistible to all women." The Genie says, "It is done. It is rather funny though - that was your first wish." A black man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and the Genie comes out. The Genie says, "You have summoned me, so I must grant you one wish." The black man says, "I thought it was three." The Genie says, "You've been watching too many movies. It is one." The black man says, "Then I want to be white and surrounded by women." The Genie said, "Ok." and turned him into a tampon. |
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Post by aquaangel on Jul 6, 2017 1:16:44 GMT
Once upon a time there lived a King.
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted
The prince went away sadly.
The second Prince brought diamonds. He thought surely the hardest substance in the world wouldn't melt. However, when the princess touched the diamonds, they indeed did melt. So, he was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's Of course......
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
----
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Post by aquaangel on Jul 6, 2017 1:20:16 GMT
One more. Since the last one was so long, I'm putting this in a new post:
A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
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Post by beren44 on Jul 6, 2017 4:26:32 GMT
Cellphones have made the old traveling salesman needing to use a phone jokes obsolete. But here's a classic from the Statler Brothers. Nah, there's plenty of farm country where it's still tough to get a signal. But back to the topic of off-color humor... A man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and the Genie comes out. The Genie says, "You have summoned me, so I must grant you one wish." The man says, "I thought it was three." The Genie says, "It was. You used your second wish to undo and forget your first wish and now you have one left." The man says, "Then I guess I wish to make myself irresistible to all women." The Genie says, "It is done. It is rather funny though - that was your first wish." A black man finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and the Genie comes out. The Genie says, "You have summoned me, so I must grant you one wish." The black man says, "I thought it was three." The Genie says, "You've been watching too many movies. It is one." The black man says, "Then I want to be white and surrounded by women." The Genie said, "Ok." and turned him into a tampon. ok fine. and remember, you led me here. And this should definitely be in the Punny Stuff and Bad Jokes thread, but, here we are: What does an elephant use for a tampon?
Sheep
What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
Epileptic Sheep
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Post by Hari Seldon on Jul 15, 2017 3:54:23 GMT
A man and his wife go to his favorite fishing spot, but she just sits nearby reading her book.
The man realizes he needs bait and runs off to the store, leaving his fishing equipment there.
The game warden arrives, goes to the wife and asks to see her fishing license.
She says, "I don't have one. My husband is doing the fishing, I'm just sitting here reading my book. He'll be back before long."
The warden says, "If you don't have a license I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
She says, "But I told you. I'm not doing any fishing."
The warden says, "You're here, you have the equipment. That's enough."
She says, "Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to press charges against you for raping me."
The warden says, "Raping you? I haven't even touched you, lady."
She says, "You're here, you have the equipment. That's enough, isn't that right?"
disclaimer: I find both rape and falsely reporting it both very distasteful. This joke in no way supports it.
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Post by aquaangel on Aug 1, 2017 21:59:58 GMT
Just got this one in an email:
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a 5 iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. At a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
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Post by Hari Seldon on Aug 2, 2017 0:41:38 GMT
A man travels to Siberia and is captured by a rowdy group of locals. They tell him he can be turned over to the KGB or he can take the test of the three rooms and he will be set free if he passes, but die if he doesn't. He asks what the tests entail. The leader takes him to the first room and says, "This is a bottle of very strong Russian vodka. You have one hour to drink it." The leader takes him to the second room and says, "This is a ferocious lion who has an impacted tooth at the back of his mouth. You must remove it. There is no time limit, but if you leave the room without completing the task you fail the test." The leader takes him to the third room and says, "This woman has never been sexually satisfied. You must rectify that." The man accepts the tests, goes into the room with the vodka, and comes out an hour later completely smashed. The group laughs and him stumbling around, then grabs him and throws him in the second room. From the room they hear roars and howls, and things being knocked around. Finally, three hours later the man emerges from the room, still completely drunk, and says in badly slurred speech, "Feeniched. Now where is the woman with the imp-, imp-, bad toof?"  |
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Post by Hari Seldon on Aug 26, 2017 5:47:21 GMT
Since polgara now wants to use her pointy boots on me, I guess I'll motivate her to find them... A guy in Canada hears the saying' "Everything is bigger in Texas" and decides to drive down there and find out if it's true. He takes the first exit he finds after crossing the border and goes inside the nearest fast food restaurant. He orders a small French fries and small cola. The cashier hands him a 64 oz. bladder buster full of cola and an entire tray piled high with French fries. The Canadian says, "But I order a small fries and drink!" The cashier replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian drives on down the road a little further until he is tired and finds a hotel. He decides to go visit the hotel bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a giant beer mug full of whiskey. The Canadian says, "But I only ordered a shot of whiskey!" The bartender replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian dutifully begins drinking the mug of whiskey and consequently becoming extraordinarily drunk. Eventually nature calls and the Canadian sloppily asks the bartender, "Where doooooouh Iaaahh find the bafroom?" The bartender says, "Go through that door. Take a left and two rights and you'll be right there." However, the Canadian being impaired, takes a right and two left turns and wanders into the pool area where he accidentally falls into the water. He bursts to the surface yelling with panic, "Don't flush! don't flush!" And as a bonus - On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking to him about his farm. The Aussie takes him to see his big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't impressed. "We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one," he told the Aussie. The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big herd of cattle. "Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the Texan bragged. The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. "What on earth are those?" he asks. The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" |
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Post by beren44 on Aug 26, 2017 16:48:00 GMT
On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking to him about his farm. The Aussie takes him to see his big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't impressed. "We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one," he told the Aussie. The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big herd of cattle. "Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the Texan bragged. The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. "What on earth are those?" he asks. The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" True story: about a decade ago, I had a girlfriend online that lived in Michigan (rural town, in the 'thumb' of Michigan). She came to visit me, and flew into San Antonio. I picked her up at the airport, and took her up to the top of the Tower of the Americas, from where you can see the entire city. First words out of her mouth were "Wow! Everything IS bigger in Texas"   That is a rotating 2 story restaurant on top, with an observation deck above that. You can sit at a window table and get an entire view of the city. It rotates 360 degrees once an hour. 579' tall. |
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Post by Hari Seldon on Aug 27, 2017 4:59:53 GMT
On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking to him about his farm. The Aussie takes him to see his big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't impressed. "We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one," he told the Aussie. The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big herd of cattle. "Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the Texan bragged. The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. "What on earth are those?" he asks. The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" True story: about a decade ago, I had a girlfriend online that lived in Michigan (rural town, in the 'thumb' of Michigan). She came to visit me, and flew into San Antonio. I picked her up at the airport, and took her up to the top of the Tower of the Americas, from where you can see the entire city. First words out of her mouth were "Wow! Everything IS bigger in Texas" That is a rotating 2 story restaurant on top, with an observation deck above that. You can sit at a window table and get an entire view of the city. It rotates 360 degrees once an hour. 579' tall. This is one thread where I don't worry about getting too far off track. Yes, things are bigger in the Texas cities than they are in rural Michigan, but I can only imagine how your girl would have reacted to the 95th in Chicago at over 1000' in the air. And for more important things, polgara should be plenty far enough inland to be mostly unaffected by Harvey so far, but it's still a worry that she hasn't logged on since Harvey hit land. I hope everything is ok for her. |
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